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23 April 2014 @ 06:36 pm
I like to talk to myself... And apologise. And hug people. Not in that order.  

It’s pretty funny that I feel so shy even on my own journal, but I am…so…er, hi if you are reading this! ^^

What is this post about you ask? Two things, really. A generic apology for being a slob, and then some internal sobbing. More or less. So let’s crack on!

The apology: If I’ve ever accidentally forgotten to reply to something, or taken weeks to do so, I mean absolutely no offence. THEY  SAY THE STATE OF YOUR BEDROOM REFLECTS THE STATE OF YOUR MIND… And let me tell you, both of mine are an absolute chaotic mess! I can’t find the right vocab as often as I can’t find the right socks.  And when it comes to monitoring this journal when I’m not posting, and replying to inquiries and comments, I am just as disastrous! If I’ve ever accidentally forgotten to reply to something, or taken weeks to do so, I mean absolutely no offence. I’m not conceited, I'm just ridiculously shy even in my own journal, which really doesn’t help either. So anyone who comments or sends me PMs, you are legends and I love you even if I’ve failed to reply. T_T



Well, phew, now that that’s off my chest…

You know what else really sucks? Writing! Writing is so freakin’ hard! And the pain of it all is that that’s what makes it so fulfilling. If you’re spending hours sobbing over this one sentence that you just can’t seem to get right….and then it finally clicks, it’s like HALLELUJAH! My life is complete!!

There was a hilarious tweet going around called: “The Creative Process” which listed these seven stages of any project: 1. This is awesome / 2. This is tricky / 3. This is shit / 4. I am shit / 5. Everything I do is shit / 6. AARRGGHH / 7. Booze

How true is that! Judging from this scale, I was floating around stage six for a while until I decided to do something about it. YES! I told my socially anxious mind to shut up for one darn moment, long enough to join a writers’ centre. Hell yeh, girlfriend, I did. And so far it has been an awesome experience. I’m learning great tips from published writers and amateurs alike.

More than ever, I’m learning not to give up. Trying to distract my mind from self-sabotaging criticism when I write is like trying to distract a lion from its prey, but I’m trying. I’m pushing through all the doubts and frustration to finish The Beacon; My Siren, and then once that’s done, I hope to lay Across The Line out and find a structure that helps the pacing. This is a battle with my head and I feel frustrated that the collateral damage has been slow updates for everyone still reading. There’s nothing much I can do in that regard but try my best to wade through the murky waters until that glorious HALLELUJAH moment. And that moment shall come, dear people. It shall, I tell you! Thank you for waiting in the mean time. =)

You know what allllllllso sucks? I love to write but that doesn’t automatically make me a good writer. I may spend the vast majority of any day in a day dream, but that doesn’t mean I am able to communicate those ideas coherently with anyone who reads what I write.

To help summarise my general state, I call upon my lovely assistant Jung Yunho…

What I see in my mind is this:
images

What it feels like when it’s put to paper:



How I feel afterwards:
images1

(Thank you, Yunho, my dear creative comrade. You get me. XD)

I don't consider myself a 'good writer' yet. Not on a scale of Yunho-rhino to Actual-rhino. That’s okay though; it means there is something to work towards, something to inspire me to keep writing when all I want to do sometimes is curl up in a corner and cry. Stephen King says to write with the door closed (both literally and mentally), but I’ve never been able to properly close the door to my own internal bullying. But hey, I’m in therapy for my anxiety problems, so baby steps! =P

For my own sake more than anything, I just want to say that this journal is my way of practicing writing. (Coz y'all realise this is basically just me playing mind games for my own benefit. If I lessen the importance in a disclaimer, I subconciously put less pressure on myself to be perfect--which means less mind blocks and sobbing. Shh, just nod and humour me.) And this journal is also my way of of trying out different genres and different techniques and learning what not to do. When I re-read the stories I have written here, it can be awkward sometimes because there are so many ‘what not to dos’ in them. (Wow, I sell myself so well, right!! Oh my. XD) I don’t think the ideas in them are bad, just the ways they are communicated. During those moments, the only thing stopping me from blocking the entire journal is the memory that the people who have read them, or are currently reading them, still find joy with them and that is all that really matters, right? (Preach it, gurlfriend!) I write because I love to write and if other people can forget their lives for even ten minutes when reading what I’ve blurted onto paper, that is a really lovely thing. I’m truly so thankful for everyone who has come to this page and given my stories a try. I still get such kind comments and encouragement from you guys. Legends, I tell you! =)

I suppose all I really wanted to say here was thank you to everyone, as always. I’m trying my best to grow as a writer and learn how to write better things. In fact, I try so hard sometimes, my mind turns to fuzz as if I have run a mental marathon and then fallen down in complete exhaustion. This is why it can take me a while between updates to post new chapters; either I’m mentally exhausted, attending the odd writing class to expand my knowledge, or bullying myself with self-sabotaging, unhelpful criticism. But I will update as soon as I can! ^^

I'm blabbering on and on here only because I like to be honest with myself, and this journal has always had a sort of diary element to it. Indulge me, my darlings. I like to talk to myself.

Yeh... I know...



I'm not a pretentious person, I honestly just love talking to myself. It helps me organise my brain. And I've probably written this kind of entry several times already in the past. In fact I know I have. But this time I had Yunho-Rhino! Mmhmmm. My 'Wah wah, I'm such a slow writer, forgive me for eternity because I can't forgive myself' sobbing may be a broken record, but no one ever gets sick of the the Yunho-Rhino, right? If nothing else, may that have made you laugh. And at least my bellyaching shows commitment to the arts, yeh? Yeh!

Alright, well that's me done.


(Get it? JJ edited himself.... So, you know... That needs to be me.... Hehe.. Ha.)

 
 
Current Mood: embarrassedembarrassed
 
 
 
hyunnybhyunnyb on April 23rd, 2014 06:04 pm (UTC)
It's a testament to your ability that your diary entry has a person you've never met sitting on her couch smiling, laughing and occasionally verbally responding to you. I literally squealed at "the state of your bedroom reflects the state of your mind", apparently my mind has been a mess for decades! You are definitely right in the fact that your writing does bring a wonderful moment of escape to the reader and however long it takes you to get through the creative process is your business, I'll just be waiting for that happy surprise in my feed when your name pops-up.^^
Hwaiting!
wild_terrain (i.e: Fi_chan)wild_terrain on April 30th, 2014 10:27 am (UTC)
Oooh reallllly? That's fantastic! hehe~

In case it wasn't already apparent, I verbally respond to myself all the time so LOL, I'm glad you were joining in even if I couldn't hear you. ^__~

Yeh! When I first heard that, I was like...that is exactly me from head to toe! Organized chaos, can't see the floor, dusty, TVXQ everywhere, random bits of paper everywhere with dumb facts.... Helllllllo. XD It probably makes sense on a psychological level that you'd organise things physically the way you organise your thoughts mentally. It would be a generalisation, but still pretty funny.

It really is so lovely that you're still here, watching me fart around and occasionally write stuff, lol. And it's of course wonderful that the reason you are has a little to do with connecting with the stories here because, as I said, that's all I can ask for. <3

Thank you so much for your kind words.